| yeasayer in madison last night was incredible. |
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| i was becoming quite apt at this.
i was becoming quite apt at not thinking about you.
i was becoming quite apt at pushing you from my thoughts whenever you crept in.
i was becoming quite apt at no longer comparing others to you.
i was becoming quite apt at living my life without you.
and then you were sitting there.
in the chair that you've sat in countless times, with me by your side. in the chair that i've sat in countless times, with you holding my hand. in the basement where we'd shared so many kisses. so many moments. so much time. in the house where, the first time around, you broke up with me on the front porch on a summer's night.
you were sitting there.
now i am thinking about you.
now you are constantly in my thoughts.
now i am comparing everything to what you once were.
now i am struggling at this life without you.
again.
WHY.
this is stupid. this is not something i'm going to do. this is not something i can let myself do. i'm not getting caught up in your lure. i'm not letting you pull me in.
the worst part is, you're not even trying to do these things. you're acting - as you have been for over a year - as if i do no exist.
what the hell is wrong with me.
you infected my dreams last night. it was like it was years ago. it even felt like real life. i woke up and wanted to smile and vomit and cry all at the same time.
please, mind, just extinguish everything he is. i cannot do this. |
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| this is something i've wanted to blog about for quite some time, though i never seem to find the patience or words to express how i feel. so, we'll just throw some ideas out there, yes?
every few days -- or sometimes a few times in a day -- this strange feeling comes over me. normally it's while i'm driving, since i tend to zone out and think about anything and everything. the feeling strikes and i realize: i am alive. this is my life, and i am living it. i think, sometime, that i get so detached from situations and general goings-on, that i feel as though i'm in a movie. my eyes are the screen and i am just an actor in this film. although i'm not even acting, i'm watching myself. but when the feeling of life hits me i realize yes, samm, you are consciously making these decisions. yes, samm, you are actually living this life. i don't quite know how to explain this much further. but, i wonder if anyone else ever feels this way. or ever comes to the realization that they are alive.
and branching off of that, i sometimes realize that i will die. not that i am not always aware of that fact, but sometimes it hits me and i become very, very frightened. i know i should have no fear of death, because i will not experience anything after the fact. but how does it feel to not experience? how does it feel to not feel? where do my thoughts go? my hopes? my aspirations? my love? death is so very perplexing and frightening. if i find myself thinking about it too deeply, i will cry. it is a horrible thought. not ever seeing loved ones again? but i won't feel that horrible-ness, because i will be deceased. ugh, i don't even want to type about it anymore.
i just do not understand this weird divide. when i was young, i never thought about how i was living, because i WAS living. as i've aged, i now feel as though it is a struggle. or rather, an effort to be alive.
sigh...
on a separate note: i never thought i could be this happy. other relationships were pushed, worked on, failed at. this one is effortless. this one is easy. this one is perfect. i've never been so satisfied with a person this wholly. it is absolutely lovely to feel this way. |
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| ah, love. you have returned to me.
undoubtedly happy.
undoubtedly at ease.
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